Hurt hurt. drugs drugs. emo emo.
Me again.
It's been weird... something really good has happened in my life, which surprisingly isn't related to men. I have a really good friend..she is a bit of a bad influence, but at least i don't feel so alone and depressed. Instead i get pissed with her and don't sleep with random assholes because i am bored or lonely. Instead, i read, listen to music, watch films, talk for ages and get high. Of course there is always a downfall..she has eating problems..and mine have escalated as well....but not in that way - i eat too much now...i eat like a pig and feel so guilty and fat and disgusting....self control. where are you when i need you?

So....i think in all honesty, this should start from the very beginning. I moved to London couple of months ago, with big dreams of being someone, not daring to dream it would be a singer. Currently, my dreams are still there, but lingering in the background of all my addictions like alcohol, workahol, cigarettes and men. And my current line(s) of work are not encouraging a healthy way to kick the bad habits. So..me, a gal from a small country, moved away to an even smaller island and from there to a big city somehow ended up working in a modelling agency as a junior assistant. In men's division. Yes, many would say its a dream job - spending time surrounded by hot male models, going on scouting trips, having freedom to chat up any guy under the pretention of scouting them....All those things, i can't quite complain...it could be a way worse office job with no career prospects, or a fullblown pub job (which i still do, but only few shifts a week)...but its far from being a glamorous job it might seem for the outsider....my first scouting trip was a week ago..in Dusseldorf...my god..it was depressing...me and my supervisor drank champaigne on the main shopping street just to numb the pain...it was so dull that we didnt even go out in the evening...my things got "misplaced" by the chambermaid while i was away, everything was just grey and depressing...not that glam, huh...And the male models...well, they are handsome, but also they are very very young and vain or old and stupid. Yes, ridiculously BORING. and i constantly feel like an odd one out...i dont know how to act or be around those creatures, considered to be every woman's fantasy....so instead of being friendly or flirty, my brain just shuts down and i try to blend in with the walls, make myself invisible..or better yet...part of the furniture..you know the newest invention..automated portfolio holders and updaters...they are clunky (6 feet tall) and clumsy (hey, its 6 feet trying to make its way around the office), but they try to do their best and stay out of your way. And i guess it kinda works...the one moment i let down my guards, it fucked me over completely. 2 weeks ago, i had my first models and bookers and everyone's gettogether in Guy Ritchies fav pub...it was ridiculously crowded, i hadnt had the time to eat the whole day, free booze and the result was me, heading down to Mahiki with all of them, getting even worse with Sailor Jerrys..going out for a fag...one of the male models there touching my boobs and falling on me. By that time i was so drunk that ripped tights with a very painful and bleeding knee was the last thing on my mind...i tried to call a cab from the models blackberry, but i was so off my head i couldnt even unlock it...through some miracle i got a cab, grabbed the guy with me to my place and finally landed in my lovely shoebox of a bedsit. We were wasted....lets just say that and not go into details...the morning after was just awkward, since i had to get to work, he had to go to castings...i liked him, even though the whole escapade of us trying to have sex ( i cant say we did it, because i have no recollections of anything, let alone the O) was mortifying and he must have thought that i am a weird foreign slag with no sense of humour (honestly, mornings are not my best moments) ...we headed to the office together and he was actually funny...but we didnt exchange numbers and the moment i got into the office i blended in with the walls again..i guess its just my way of dealing with everything...so the few times i have seen him after that, it has just been completely embarrassing..i want to curse myself for being so awkward..i mean..where the fuck does my sense of humour go, my witty retorts, deep and meaningful thoughts etc etc....i just lose all my charm around those things they call male models...i become dull and dumb...they suck all of fun out of me...vampires...i wish i would be one of those cool cats.. you know..those gals who are always confident and fun...i can put on a show and be fun and confident behind the bar...its my stage, where i can tell every asshole where to stick their jokes and lame ass compliments..but there in the male model wonderland, i am completely lost..i am like this silly white rabbit with a watch, always rushing somewhere, but not quite sure what, where or when and why...i wonder if i will ever get used to it or if i i will ever be happy with who i am. oh and btw...talking of lame ass compliments...as if i didnt have a bad enough of a day, one of my acquaintences on the street stopped and said how he would love to have a girlfriend as big as me...and i honestly was ready to cry..he meant it well, but honestly, why fuck do you call me big? I muster a smile and and say thanks, i guess, but i am seriously angry....i am not fat, i am just really really tall and not waferthin...i get pissed off...as if i dont have enough of pressure to be skinny by being around the fashion people every fucking day, i get this kind of bullshit from everyone else as well...i am tired of feeling like a freak who tries to blend in and instead feels more alone and out of it than ever before...i cant change my height, i cant change my bone structure....most of the people dont know about my bouts of not eating in the name of losing some weight...which i put back on instantly when i start eating...most people dont know how much i hate being this tall and everyone thinking its alright to come up to me in the supermarket and comment on it - wtf? I dont go to a fat person and say to their face: my god, you are fat! Most people have no idea how much it hurts and offends to be singled out about something you really have no control of....sometimes i think i should just not eat again to make those people feel guilty and awful...to make them accountable for fucking me up....but i dont have enough will power..and i need the energy to survive..to go on, to carry on working and not disappointing everyone who have invested in me ( my family and my true friends)....we'll see

NO jah. täpselt. Lugesin siis viimast sissekannet ja mõistsin...tema tekitab mus emotsiooni, et ma tahan tervet maailma emmata...et kõik on nii lihtne ja hea ja armas ja paha ei ole olemas....Tõesti, tahaks kallistada tervet maailma selle eest, et ta olemas on:) Kuidas küll vastu anda/tasuda selle kaifi eest???

Nonii..viimased päevad on kummalised olnud..palju nalja ja palju kahtlaseid hetki. Aga mulle jääb alati meelde see laupäev, kui lihtsalt kehvast päevast suutis üks imeline inimene teha midagi nii kustumatult vahvat ja erilist, et mulle ei lähe meelest ükski naeruvärhatus ega näoilme. Tavaliselt eriline. Nagu ma vist juba ennem mainisin, selle inimesega on olla nii hea, et see võiks olla midagi tavalist ja igapäevast, aga hoopiski on iga hetk eriline ja NIII mõnus. Tahaks tervet maailma kallistada ainult sellepärast, et tema seal viibib.

Nõndaks. Et siis susser-vusser-nusser. Krooniline ahastaja..mis sai minu bitchi teemast..tulemus oli, et suutsin ennast esimese inimese peale, kes sitasti ütles, ennast segi kammida..normaalne...et nagu..kuidas ma omast arust kujutan ette karm olemist, kui ma kohe ahastama hakkan. EI, kurat..peaks mingi immuunsustableti muretsema...et noh, mul on julgus sulgeda uksi ja teha radikaalseid otsuseid. Uh. ja nüüd see südame külmaks tegemine. Et ma lihtsalt pean ennast eemaldama selle inimese seltskonnast. Ma ei suuda, ta mõjub mulle nii..hullusti..nii segadusseajavalt..ma ei tea, ma ei mäleta, mil oleks nõnda põdenud..kas just armuvalus...aga ma ei tea...sellises vajaduses....Kuidas see inimene saab niiivõrd oluline olla, et ma lihtsalt ei suuda olla ilma päevagi temale mõtlemata. Bää..paha paha paha. ja see ei ole hea. I got it bad and it aint good...ma ei saa aru, mida ma tema vastu tunnen...et kas see on mingi crush...või on see...äratundmine...aga ma tean täpselt, et nii kui mina astun sammu, ei suuda ma normaalne olla vaid peletan ta eemale oma absoluutse jäägitu vaimustuse, pühendumuse ja tähelepanuga...ja ma tean täpselt, et kui ta vastupidiselt käituks ja hakkaks sellele vastama, siis ehmuks mina ära ja hakkaks blokkima..jeesus küll..kuidas see naiseaju on ikka ehitatud nii lootusetult skisofreeniliseks..või on see ainult minu teema?:S

Aa..muideks...et miks siis see viimane bitchimine..mind toodi lihtsalt sujuvalt maa peale...et noh...mida sa mõtled endast? huvitav, kuidas vahel usun endasse ja teine hetk olen tühi null..ja tean, et ma ei saa iialgi seda, mida tahan ja kui saan, siis järelikult polnud see see, mida tahan...mnjah...controversy in square

Nii...tänasest päevast otsustasin hakata südametuks. Et ma ei hooli ja teen kõike nüüd ainult endale ja muusikale. Ja vaatan, kuidas kedagi selle nimel ära kasutada saab. Rebin endast välja kõik tunded ja muutungi selliseks bitchiks, kes kuhugi jõuab. Ma lihtsalt ei tea....ma ei oska muud teha, teisiti olen saanud vaid haiget. Ja ei taha. Ei viitsi haletseda ennast ja kassiahastuses uluda, et miks selline luuser olen. KÕik. One heartless bitch coming up.